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Do you often find yourself putting others’ needs before your own, even to your detriment?
Do you constantly worry about disappointing people and go to great lengths to keep everyone happy, sometimes at the cost of your own happiness?
If so, you might be a people-pleaser, and you’re not alone. As someone who has walked the path of people-pleasing, I understand the struggle all too well.
I was born into a family with high expectations, and from a young age, I felt the immense pressure not to disappoint my parents.
The fear of letting them down was like a shadow that followed me throughout my life.
Consequently, I made it my mission to go above and beyond to ensure their happiness and approval.
As I grew older, this inclination to please everyone around me intensified, even when it meant sacrificing my own desires and well-being.
Being a people-pleaser is really TOUGH! It means always trying to make others happy, which can leave you feeling tired and anxious.
If you’re not sure whether you’re a people-pleaser, don’t worry, this blog is here to help. In the sections ahead, we’ll look at 13 clear signs that can help you understand if you’re a people-pleaser and give you the tips to break free from the cycle of prioritizing others’ happiness over your own.
1. You Find Really Hard to Say ‘No’
Having a tough time saying “no” is something you might face if you’re a people-pleaser.
It can be challenging to turn down requests because you really want to keep others happy and not make them upset.
You might find it difficult to say “no” when your boss asks you to take on extra tasks, even if you’re already swamped with work. This can make you feel stressed and affect the quality of your job.
In social situations, you might agree to go to events or gatherings you don’t actually want to attend because you don’t want to disappoint your friends.
Saying ‘yes’ to everything might make people think you’re always ready to help, but it can also make some take advantage of your kindness and not value your time and effort.
So, how can you politely decline tasks you don’t want to do? I’ve found that the best way to learn to say ‘no’ is to give yourself time to think about it.
Instead of saying ‘yes’ right away, take a moment to consider the request!
Think about what you might have to sacrifice or how it might affect your own needs and priorities. Taking that moment to think carefully can make saying ‘no’ much easier and more effective.
2. You May Often Hear an Inner Voice Saying, “Say No to This, Don’t Agree”
You may often hear a persistent echo in your thoughts, softly whispering, “Don’t agree to that; say no.” This familiar echo is something many people-pleasers grapple with. This inner conflict can be quite frustrating.
However, more often than not, your response ends up being a reluctant “yes” in an attempt to keep others content or avoid confrontation.
I can relate because I’ve been in that very place. It’s a challenging struggle to resist going against your inner guidance when you’ve been conditioned to prioritize others over yourself.
Resisting this inner voice can be daunting, especially if people-pleasing is deeply ingrained in your nature. However, you can start with small steps.
Try saying “no” to offers from servers at restaurants asking if you want dessert or from baristas at Starbucks suggesting additional items.
Gradually, as you practice refusing, you’ll develop a habit of considering what you genuinely want before saying “yes” to anyone or anything. This process can empower you to regain control over your choices and prioritize your own needs.
3. You Often Seek Others’ Approval to Feel Good About Yourself
Depending on the approval of others to feel good about yourself is something many people can relate to.
It’s when you feel your self-esteem depends on what other people think of you.
For example, you might constantly seek compliments and praise from those around you. When you receive positive feedback, it boosts your self-esteem, and you feel great. But when others don’t express approval or, worse, criticize you, it can make you feel down and doubting yourself.
This can lead to a range of challenges. For instance, you may find it difficult to make choices based on your own desires and needs.
Over time, this pattern can erode your self-confidence and make it tough to determine your own self-worth without needing others to validate it.
It’s important to remember that everyone is unique. We all have our individual opinions and thoughts about what’s right for our lives. So, it’s wise not to take others’ opinions about yourself too seriously. What works for them might not be the best fit for you, and vice versa.
4. You Try Your Best to Avoid Conflict
Many people-pleasers share a common trait—they try their best to avoid conflict. They find themselves going to great lengths to prevent disagreements or confrontations, often at the expense of their own feelings and needs.
In personal relationships, you might suppress your own opinions and desires to keep the peace. When faced with a difference of opinion or a potentially contentious issue, you may choose to stay silent, even if it means sacrificing your own perspective.
In the workplace, you might hesitate to express your concerns or disagreements with colleagues or supervisors, fearing that it could lead to tension or affect your image as a cooperative team member.
This avoidance of conflict can lead to several challenges. You might feel like you’re not being true to yourself, as you continuously prioritize others’ comfort over your own.
It can also result in built-up resentment and unexpressed emotions, which can ultimately harm your relationships and well-being.
While it’s natural to want to maintain a conflict-free environment in our lives, there are times when expressing your thoughts gently is necessary.
You don’t have to provoke conflicts, but you can still communicate your perspective.
When you hold back and remain silent, you risk accumulating stress and anxiety, which may eventually lead to more significant conflicts down the road.
5. You Prioritize Other People’s Wants and Needs
Prioritizing other people’s wants and needs is a common characteristic of people-pleasers!
You might frequently give in to your partner’s choice of restaurants or movie preferences, even if it’s not your top pick. Your primary concern is to make them happy, and you often set your own wishes aside to achieve this.
In a family context, you might defer to your parents or older family members when making significant life decisions, such as your career path or where you choose to live. This is often driven by your desire to align with their expectations and avoid disappointing them. However, this can lead to a feeling that you’re not living life on your own terms but instead, according to their wishes.
I understand that this can be quite a challenging situation. It can be really frustrating to continuously place your own desires and needs on the back burner, even when it comes to critical life decisions.
So, how can you break free from this pattern?
Based on my experience, open and honest communication is essential, especially within your family. Express what truly matters to you and what you value. If they can understand and support your choices, that’s fantastic.
But if they can’t, it’s crucial to recognize that consistently prioritizing others over yourself isn’t a sustainable long-term strategy. Healthy relationships aren’t built on neglecting your own needs and always putting others first.
My suggestion would be to do what genuinely reflects your own values and desires, and then explain your decisions to them later. This can be an effective way to address this challenge.
6. You Have a Strong Fear of Being Disliked or Rejected
I remember a time when I was a curious child, always asking my parents questions about the world around me.
But there were moments when they didn’t have the patience to answer all my inquiries, and I felt ignored. In those instances, it seemed like I was bothering them, and I began to believe they didn’t want to be with me anymore.
It may sound extreme for a child to think that way, but I genuinely did.
So, this fear of being disliked or rejected became a part of me. As I grew up, I carried this fear in my heart. I became hesitant to trouble anyone. If I had questions or concerns, I would attempt to find the answers on my own first. If I couldn’t, then I would seek help.
Interestingly, this fear has had both positive and negative effects on my life. On one hand, it has driven me to become resourceful and self-reliant. I’ve developed a strong sense of self-learning, which has become something of an “unfair advantage.”
However, this fear has also caused me stress. I often find myself trying very hard to make others like me. I’m constantly attuned to their emotions, and at times, this self-imposed pressure can lead to self-doubt.
If you can relate to this fear, it’s essential to recognize that we CANNOT please everyone. I once read a quote that said the formula for failure is trying to satisfy everyone. It’s an impossible task.
Our energy is limited, and it’s more productive to focus on our own happiness and invest our time in people who truly value us.
7. You Apologize Excessively
If you find yourself constantly saying sorry, even when it’s not warranted, you might relate to this tendency.
While apologizing is a normal and healthy way to express regret or take responsibility for mistakes, excessive apologizing can erode your self-confidence and send a message that your thoughts and needs are not valid.
Finding a balance in your apologies, where you express regret when necessary but avoid over-apologizing, is important for maintaining healthy relationships and self-esteem.
8. You feel Resentful When You Don’t Receive the Same In Return
One of the challenges I’ve faced as a people-pleaser is feeling resentful when I don’t get the same help or consideration in return.
It happens because I often go the extra mile to assist others and meet their needs, and I expect them to do the same for me.
For example, let’s say I put in extra effort to help a friend or coworker. Naturally, I might hope that they’d do the same when I need assistance.
However, when that reciprocity doesn’t occur, I can’t help but feel let down and hurt. It’s like I’m keeping a mental tally of all the times I’ve gone above and beyond for others, and I believe they should do the same for me.
This feeling of resentment can take a toll on your relationships and well-being. It’s important to understand that not everyone has the same approach to giving and receiving help, and your expectations may not always match others’ intentions.
To address this issue, communication is key. Express your needs and expectations clearly to lead to more balanced and satisfying relationships.
Additionally, it’s essential to avoid focusing on what you give.
I know! It can be tough, as you might think, “I did everything for them, why can’t I expect the same in return?” And that’s a valid thought. But, in reality, if you keep holding onto that expectation and feel frustrated when others don’t reciprocate, you’re the one who suffers the most.
Constantly thinking about it becomes a burden, consuming your limited energy and time. It’s as if you’re handing over control of your life and energy to others because they determine whether they’ll give back.
With that being said, it’s important to focus on yourself, give without expecting anything in return, and view any reciprocation as a pleasant surprise.
9. You Cannot Make Your Own Decisions
I’ve personally experienced the struggle of being unable to make my own decisions as a people-pleaser.
I was constantly seeking external validation or approval before making even the smallest choices.
For example, I’ve hesitated to choose a restaurant for dinner, always deferring to others’ preferences, fearing that my decision might be “wrong.”
This tendency doesn’t just stop at dinner choices; it can extend to more significant decisions like my career path or where to live. Instead of trusting my own decisions, I’ve often sought multiple opinions, hoping to make a decision that pleases everyone.
This difficulty in making my own decisions can be both frustrating and limiting. It typically stems from the fear of disappointing others or making a choice that could lead to disapproval.
Over time, it has eroded my self-confidence and left me feeling uncertain about my own judgment.
Over time, I learned to trust my own decisions and prioritize my desires and needs has been a crucial part of breaking free from this pattern. It may take time and practice, but it’s an essential step toward gaining more control over my life and well-being.
10. You Are Stress and Anxiety Sufferer
Being a people-pleaser can often lead to heightened stress and anxiety. This is because the constant prioritization of others and the tendency to do things you don’t want to do, sometimes even at the expense of your own well-being, can take a toll on your mental and emotional health.
In the long run, this persistent stress and anxiety can negatively impact your overall well-being, causing physical and emotional exhaustion.
It’s important to recognize the connection between people-pleasing and these mental health challenges and seek strategies to manage stress and anxiety effectively. Learning to set boundaries and prioritize your own needs is a vital step towards a healthier and more balanced life.
11. You Realize That You Never Have Time for Yourself
You might realize that you rarely have time for yourself as a people-pleaser.
For example, you might frequently find yourself prioritizing other people’s requests. Whether it’s helping a friend move, taking on extra work tasks, or attending numerous social gatherings, your schedule becomes a constant stream of commitments to make others happy.
All this busyness can lead to feelings of overwhelm and exhaustion. You may feel like there’s never a moment to just take a break and do what you want.
It’s essential to recognize the importance of setting aside time for yourself, for self-care, relaxation, and pursuing your own passions.
Striking a balance between helping others and taking care of your own well-being is a must for a healthy and fulfilling life.
12. You Feel You’re Not Good Enough to Give Others Your Advice or Opinions
Do you ever feel like you’re not good enough to give advice or share your opinions? I used to feel that way too, and it’s a common thing for people like us.
I’d have these moments of self-doubt, where I thought, “Who am I to offer advice or share my thoughts?” I’d worry that people might not appreciate what I had to say or that they’d simply ignore me.
It REALLY took a toll on my self-confidence and held me back from expressing myself.
But you know what? You can overcome this.
The key is to realize that your opinions and advice have value, and you don’t have to stress about how others will react. Building self-confidence is the secret sauce to breaking free from the people-pleasing trap.
13. You Rarely Express Your Frustration
When I’m faced with tasks or situations I don’t want to do as a people-pleaser, I rarely express my frustration.
It often feels like keeping my feelings in check is the right thing to do, even if I’m seething with frustration on the inside.
For example, if I’m repeatedly asked to take on tasks I’d rather avoid or attend events I have no interest in, I tend to say “yes” with a smile while keeping my discontent hidden.
However, I’ve come to realize that bottling up my frustrations is not a healthy or sustainable approach. It can lead to a buildup of stress and unhappiness over time.
What I’ve learned is that finding constructive ways to express my frustration and set boundaries is essential for maintaining healthy and balanced relationships.
This doesn’t mean I have to argue or disregard what others need. Instead, it means I should be able to express my own needs and limits clearly. This prevents me from feeling bitter and lets me have more genuine and satisfying interactions with people.
Final Thoughts
If you’ve recognized these people-pleasing behaviors and low self-esteem within yourself, know that you’re not alone in this journey. I’ve been there too, and I understand the challenges.
Acknowledging these signs is the first step towards change. The good news is that you have the power to transform. By setting healthy boundaries, prioritizing your well-being, and communicating openly, you can stop being a people pleaser and take control of your life.
It’s not about selfishness; it’s about achieving a balance that respects your needs and desires. By doing so, you’ll not only enhance your well-being but also cultivate more authentic, fulfilling, and equitable relationships. Breaking free from people-pleasing is liberating, leading to a happier and more genuine life.
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